the vicious cycle of love


I was sleeping in my love‘s arms. I opened my eyes and found him looking at me and I read in his eyes:

When you first fall in love you feel special as if you have discovered an unknown beauty that is hidden from others. Not only with love comes a pleasure that dominates every corner of your soul, but it also brings with itself a feeling of self-esteem too, for now you have something that others don’t. You start to understand the love stories you had read. You become the main character in all love stories and the composer of all love poems and your beloved the subject of them all. Your love becomes the only love lived in the world and all poems and stories just different narrations of it.

But like most – I am just being cautious not to say all – cases, your love will also gradually lose life and of that flame will only remain a shadow, similar in shape and size but without the warmth. It is then that you start to see your beloved, not as a beautiful painting made in heaven, but as a wrinkled face of a person who has taken your life away from you. The voice that once carried by any breeze of words would enter your heart and caress your soul will no longer pass your ears. You remember how her calming voice and cheerful laughter distracted you from listening to what she said. Now you can’t listen too, but for a different reason. Her voice irritates your mind like the sound of scratching fingernails on a chalkboard. The love hasn’t died completely though. Sometimes, the demon who has dominated your beloved leaves for moments and you can feel the flame again in distance. You run towards it. Through the blurry air above the flame you can see your beloved again. You run faster and with all your soul. And when finally you arrive at your beloved, when you have sweated all your yearning, the flame disappears and you find yourself in the arms of the demon who dominated your beloved.

The demon falls asleep taking with her all your hopes to the world of dreams. You want to follow your dreams but you can’t sleep. You have to be awake and go through every second of this open-eyes-nightmare. You look at the demon sleeping peacefully in your cold arms but you can’t wake her up because you know, as dark as her soul is, your beloved is prisoned somewhere in that castle. You can only think now, about yourself, your beloved and about love. This time, you will not see yourself in the place of the lover in the love stories. No. You are sitting somewhere in the corner, holding your head in your hands as the story goes on. You look at them falling in love, you look at them feeling special, you look at them feeling alone in the world and all of this which once seemed magical is now just stupid. You don’t see all love stories as one story now, rather as different instances of absurdness.

You start to question everything. You can’t accept this is all that life is about from thousands of years ago till now, men and women falling in love. Is this what humanity is about, beautiful eyes, killer thighs and fat breasts? Millions of years have passed, moon has been sighted, and yet the most complicated and sweet experience of man is to look beyond a skirt. You feel disappointed, not in yourself but in life, in this childish game you are forced to participate in. You are taken out of your thoughts by the warmth of the demon’s breath on your neck. You look and the demon is gone and her beloved has opened her eyes. Your body becomes warm then hot and once again you fell for it. I don’t know how long you will be under spell this time but I am sure you will come out again and this vicious cycle will go on forever if you don’t look up.

The Soul Tamagotchi

p.s. I know the image of love given is very dark, but there are very bright thoughts of love out there, I think we need these ones too.


32 responses to “the vicious cycle of love

  1. Beautiful written and it translates what thoughts about love cropped onto the mind. I feel that love should not possess us and we should not expect too much coz the demon within will disappoint us. perso experience.

  2. I’ve read this TST and I must say it is very well written with much insight ;). Whatever happens one must not loose her self-esteem. There are many thoughts and definitions of love, lust, falling in love.. a temporary insanity perhaps would be my definition 😉 Take care, girl.

  3. “You look at the demon sleeping peacefully in your cold arms but you can’t wake her up because you know, as dark as her soul is, your beloved is prisoned somewhere in that castle.” Wow! REALLY resonated with me!!!

  4. From very beginning I said that we should not fall in love but do one of these :
    1 – fall out of love
    2 – Love falls in us
    3 – We together fall in something else
    4 – Something else fall in us and love
    5 – we stay in love and never fall
    6 – we climb the love
    7 – we forget about love and fine other things we can fall in
    8 – accept that we just love ourselves and we just fall in love we ourselves in different emanations

  5. Another brilliant post!! I can connect to all of that, I really can…. Feeling that every book and poem describes your love and you are the main character and then…the flame dies completely without warning and you are left ripping yourself apart trying to get them out of your mind and the words they had once said to you…..sorry…i get v emotional about this sort of subject… I defiantly agree with the part that men look for breasts and not personality!! Thanks for the post!! x)

  6. I am experiencing some very dark days in love… I wish I could believe it wasn’t a ‘vicious cycle’ but I’m afraid you might be right… Oh dear.

    • Aw no dear, don’t let this writing affect your life. All lives have ups and down. If you’re experiences some “down” days it doesn’t mean you have entered the vicious circle.

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